Single(d) Out on Valentine’s

Being single at IIT Bombay is not for “beginners,” so to speak, which is ironic since it is obviously a stage we all start from in life. Despite several thousand students going through a shared experience, the dating discourse in our institute often pays little attention to the nuances of being single. It is a hot topic in general, but couples, relationships and break-ups all take centre stage when a discussion starts among friend groups. A label of ‘gossip’ tends to further trivialise sensitive issues, leaving some of the student community with an unarticulated melancholy. With this article, Insight aims to shed light on the established dating norms among students and the challenges of being single on our campus. Please note that interviews with multiple students formed the basis of this write-up, while attempting to cover most demographics present in campus, including singles as well as those in relationships, both within the institute as well as long distance. However, we do not aim to make generalized arguments in all places since dating and people’s attitudes towards it vary greatly. 

The Relationship FOMO in Insti

When students come to campus for the first time after clearing JEE, they usually have the notion that their lives will change in multiple aspects, including their relationship status, which probably went for a toss during the previous couple of years for many. College life offers an environment with supposedly fewer constraints, that twitches your mind to try asking out someone and get into a relationship.

You see couples being formed in the blink of an eye. Your roommate was cursing the gender ratio the previous night, and today they are calling their partner to your room. And as a good roommate, you have to give them space and probably head out to the library for the rest of the day (or reading hall for the night). You go to an 8:30 am class, and sit in your usual place. You observe the couples sitting at different locations around your seat – a couple giggling about some inside joke, a boy offering his hoodie to his girlfriend, a girl offering warm coffee to her sick boyfriend, and you are wondering what the professor will offer you after seeing your answer sheet. You and your other single friend go to the library between classes because the hostel is too far away. Just when you turn your laptop screen up, you hear lots of giggles. You turn down the screen and see a couple on a different table giggling and gossiping (and trying to study huh). The thought crosses you and your friends’ minds, are you really missing out on something by not being in a relationship, maybe you should shift priorities?

You start your walk from LHC to your hostel in the evening after lectures, and see couples left-right on the road and at all the eateries. You are fed up now, and take a left exit to the lakeside road (Abort! Abort! I repeat, Abo..!). You see even more couples—some being very lovey-dovey, others throwing tantrums at each other, and yet others trying to hide behind the bushes in various positions of PDA (my eyes! my eyes!). You walk as quickly as you can, keeping a poker face. You reach your hostel and see people at the office making entries in the register for their partners. 

This is the story of a lot of single people in insti. Even with the poor gender ratio, there is never an escape from the couples around you. Watching them around you forces you to think how it would be to be in a relationship, and to always have someone by your side. This may lead you to feel desperate rather than letting yourself fall in love naturally. And getting into a relationship becomes a competition and a game for many. “Relationships cover about 50% of the gossip in insti,” said one person we interviewed. 

“Social media is another major aspect that influences your mind, jumping between “you want a relationship” and “you don’t want a relationship” ,” pointed out another interviewee. Seeing couple stories on social media may make you feel the need for a partner even when you probably don’t need one or are not ready for it at the moment. In the end, the insti culture gives you significant FOMO for not being in a relationship. When you finally feel ready for a relationship, you see all the dirty laundry being aired around you and start wondering if the relationship that you envision will end up the same way.

You may have never confessed to your crush, or if you had, they might have rejected you. Both of these scenarios lower your confidence. You critically analyse yourself before making the move/after getting rejected, and this definitely takes a toll on your mental health. With the fierce competition that is prevalent in insti in all aspects – a low confidence mindset affects each and every one of your activities and interactions equally badly. Out of desperation, you may get on dating apps, or try asking out strangers. These methods may or may not work, but give you slight satisfaction that you are trying from your side. You take the world for what it is, giving yourself excuses about the hookup culture – “aajkal aise hi hota hai” [“This is how it is these days”].

There is a common misconception that people change or become better versions of themselves when in a relationship, and it is often forgotten that the relationship needs to be healthy, rather than being a (selfish) place to fulfil your emotional or physical needs and depending heavily on the other person. As it is often said, if you are not happy with yourself when single, you will not be any happier in a relationship. You will become further underconfident and disappointed when not being able to fulfil your side of the commitment in the relationship. A healthy outlook on companionship is better than rushing into situationships or toxic relationships due to desperation and FOMO. 

A majority of single people, who have or haven’t been in a relationship previously, have faced the issue that friendships are drastically affected if your friend goes into a relationship. The loss of connections with friends is also something a majority echoed; one of the singles, while talking about this, says, “When my best friend from first year got into a relationship, she went gayab [missing], stopped spending time, communicating, sharing etc. In the third year, I communicated this to her, but by then it was already too late.” You wonder if your company to them is replaceable, which is yet another blow to your confidence that you may have to bear. To strengthen our point, here is what a person who had been in a relationship and is currently single, had to say, “I do sometimes miss being in a relationship. But when you have experienced it once, you understand the pros and cons. Time management is a real issue – between your partner, friends, and personal goals. You need to have a somewhat clear idea of what you are achieving through your goals, and what you want in a relationship with your partner. If any of these areas are taking a backseat, you need to rethink your choices. And all these elements of your life have emotions attached, so if something is going wrong, you will always regret and feel guilty that you could have done better.”  

If one is able to get out of this vicious cycle of FOMO, staying single offers a whole different spectrum of activities to engage in. As one of the interviewees highlighted, “You won’t have to be significantly dependent on your partner before making plans. You can always make plans with your friends, or go out by yourself to unexplored insti clubs and events or play sports, and meet new and like-minded people there. You learn to enjoy your own company, and understand your positives and flaws without getting trapped in downwards spiralling criticism of yourself. The conscious efforts to work on yourself will help in your personal development in various aspects.” Even when one wants to stay single by choice at the moment and work on themselves and their career, FOMO is an important obstruction that one needs to learn to manage, and understand the clock of life works differently for everyone.

Thus, it is important to choose your next step in life carefully. A lot of decisions go bad when taken in the moment of heat and desperation, and in the attempt to follow societal trends. In general, one should always try to keep good people in life, whether or not are in a relationship. Building lifelong good friends is more important than pursuing friendships with the opposite gender in the hopes of something that may not be mutual. Your friends are not only for helping and supporting you in bad times (may or may not be related to relationships), but also to share the positive and exciting moments and stories of your life.

From Salsa to Prom: The Insti Experience

Valentine’s Day and campus events associated with romantic love spark a lot of emotions, from excitement to indifference to even a little jealousy. For some couples, it’s either “just capitalism gone wrong, lol” or a “cute day to celebrate your special someone.” But not everyone gets to participate fully; long-distance couples often feel the sting of missing out, with one person lamenting, “Sadly, I haven’t been involved in couples’ activities in insti. She hasn’t visited my campus.”

Single interviewees took a different approach, often treating the day with humour or detachment. Some see it as an overhyped event, saying, “I don’t follow Valentine’s Day. I don’t find it pointless, but it’s not imbibed much in Indian culture.” Others fully embrace the festivities with their fellow single (significant) others in shared solidarity, one of them declaring, “Best events ever! Not because it’s sweet and nice, but because people just go aise hi [for the sake of it].”

Campus events like Salsa Night or Prom Night place a heavy emphasis on couple-based participation. Once envisioned as a romantic occasion, they have now taken on a life of their own.  “Salsa Night doesn’t hold the same romantic sense anymore, and I mean that in a good way,” one of the students mentioned. For some, Salsa Night comes with the pressure of finding a date—“Some of my friends asked girls just for Salsa – not for a long-term relationship, but simply to experience being a couple for the night.” Meanwhile, others skip the stress and dive straight into the fun, enjoying the event as it transforms into a high-energy DJ-fueled party. 

Prom retains its pressure and FOMO for final-year students who feel the need to go out with someone special: “Every guy in the last year would want to go with a pretty lady by his side as one of their final insti memories.” “This would be my first and last chance to go to a prom before I start adulting hard,” one of the folks mentioned, highlighting the FOMO.

“My personal advice to readers, both men and women? If you really want to go to one of these events and are not in a relationship and also do not want to risk asking that crush out, just go out with a friend you are comfortable with,” adds another student, giving a more neutral take on things.

Ultimately, though, whether single or coupled up, a lot of us insti-folks navigate these events in our own unique way. “Some of these events are about love and making memories; for others it’s to make fun of those ‘in love’. Regardless, it’s not about who you are with, but how you choose to enjoy that event or the day (or the night).”

Two Cents from Couples:

Couples in the institute did not have a very different view on how they see a partner and a relationship compared to singles, reiterating that besides the initial honeymoon phase, the relationship is all about companionship and having someone to share things with and spend time with. 

“Generally, when talking to friends, you compartmentalize, but in a relationship, you can share everything because they’re your best friend and more,” explained an interviewee.

Most couples agree that they feel more supported and heard because they are in a relationship, mostly because they always have someone to talk to and give them emotional support, which the casual and fun-loving friend circles may not be able to provide in all phases of life.

Among the couples, many of our interviewees were part of an LDR (Long Distance Relationship), which comes with its perks and problems. Generally, the sentiments around it are very mixed. One of our interviewees who was in an LDR but now is in an in-campus relationship declared “LDR mat karo” [“Don’t get into an LDR”]. This was reiterated by another former LDR interviewee, “LDRs fail after you get exposed to new people and can’t meet your partner,” adding that most LDRs in her friend circle failed by the third year because of various problems like mismatch of schedule to give time to each other, lack of context for their respective lives, miscommunication etc.

Even the couples we interviewed who are in an LDR acknowledged these problems and frustration about the constant declarations that LDR does not last, and as one interviewee talking about her experience puts it, “I have emotional support, but apart from that, I feel more jealous when I see a couple on campus because I could have that, but I don’t.” 

Seeing all of this might make you believe that LDR is a rough deal, and in some sense, it really is. “Planning is required more than time-commitment and syncing of schedules is important” says another interviewee who is of the opinion that rather than giving more time, consistent communication is important. However, our interviews showed that LDR is often a compromise people make to be with someone they consider irreplaceable. Even when they encounter new social circles or are hundreds of miles apart, meeting only occasionally, they choose to stay committed, as one interviewee explained. “When I see guys run behind girls just to get one, I feel grateful that I am not part of this and that I share a genuine connection with my partner.”

We also asked couples if they had something to say to singles on campus. As this question was very open to interpretation, the responses ranged from them giving generic suggestions about how to get into relationships, such as, “be yourself and talk to people”, to calling out singles of insti for being too desperate, as one puts it, “itna log kyu marte hai (to get into relationships), you can have a life other than a relationship, khush raho aur rehne do. [Why do so many people obsess over relationships? You can have a life beyond just being in a relationship. Be happy and let others be.]” 

Many of the students we interviewed, including the singles, were of the opinion that a majority of the insti population is desperate for a relationship. Most of them reiterate the fact that a relationship is seen as an achievement in insti because of the gender skewness. 

They forget that life does not necessarily get better with relationships, as one of our relationship veteran interviewees puts it, “When I was in a relationship, my mental capacity got exhausted. I also don’t like choosing between hanging out with my friends or bf because otherwise ek side se issues hote hai [there is an issue from one side]”

From our interviews, we realized that being in a relationship in insti is nothing less than ‘being in a POR’, overhyped, time-consuming, needs sacrifices, but still, everyone wants it; the only difference being that it can’t be added to your resume.

The Sk(cr)ewed Ratio

Thanks to the skewed sex ratio on our campus, women here have significantly unique experiences with regard to relationships and singlehood when compared to those outside. In an interviewee’s words, “Being a woman on campus can, at times, feel like living in a fishbowl, your love life is subjected to a lot more scrutiny than those of the guys around you.”

Some of our interviewees talked of the assumptions that people make about the relationship statuses of women here. “Since there are fewer women on our campus, people tend to assume most of them are already committed. However, that may not necessarily be the case,” a student shared. Also, irrespective of whether you are single or committed, you are going to get judged. Some felt that women in relationships are more under the radar than single ones, they are seen as ‘sources of gossip’. Others think that when you’re not in a relationship, people might assume there’s some shortcoming, you’re either too picky, too intimidating, or not interesting enough, apparently. “Cause of course, how could you not find a guy in a place with this ratio?,” an interviewee quipped. A chunk of women exist in the institute that would want to be in a relationship, and it is often perceived that it is easier to find a relationship for a woman given the ratio is in their favour. A female student, however, remarked, “Quantity does not translate to quality, if I were to be very blunt.”

Another interviewee also said, “Some guys feel that girls here owe them a relationship because when a girl chooses to stay single, they are depriving the guys of an opportunity to experience a relationship.” Many women feel uncomfortable as they are disproportionately approached, sometimes with inappropriate behaviour, especially around occasions like Salsa and Prom Night. One of our interviewees recounted, “A random guy called me, and he wasn’t nice. I don’t think this happens very frequently with men here. Also, a lot of confession pages happen to run around this time, asking people to meet at specific locations. It is not much of a big deal but weird, yes.” There is also the issue of the problematic attitude of viewing women as trophies to be won. It is not uncommon to hear of girls being referred to as ‘maal’ or ‘hariyali’. Queues of guys (figuratively or sometimes quite literally) line up to ask someone out, each hoping for the other to get rejected by the common person of interest, and the successful guy being both glorified as well as disdained by other fellows in the queue. 

Simultaneously alongside this, the limited number of women on campus tends to create a dynamic where some men hesitate to ask them out, assuming they are already taken or “out of their league.” This hesitation can also create an unintended air of exclusivity around women.  On the positive side, these events may push some people to get out of their comfort zones and approach the opposite sex as fellow humans and not some alien species. 

We asked interviewees whether they felt men and women had different expectations from relationships. One of the female interviewees said, “We’re happy if someone listens to us, understands our feelings, our expectations lean more on the emotional side, while men’s expectations seem to be more focussed on physical intimacy. I don’t know if it’s hormones, but yeah, it’s there.” Many students felt that the ‘traditional expectation’ of men making the first move towards a relationship persists, but many women are beginning to challenge it. For those who take the initiative, the reactions range across the spectrum. One student recalled, “When I told a friend of mine, she was in awe of my boldness. While on the other hand, another questioned me for putting in the effort to ask out instead of the guy taking the first step.” 

However, some women in the institute tackle the predicament of being in a male dominated institute in their own stride. An interviewee said, “The less number of women on campus pushed me out of my cocoon, to get out there and talk to more men than I did before coming here, both in a dating and non-dating sense. I was ironically in an all girls’ school before coming to this almost all boys’ environment, and I am glad to have some amazing male peers in my life now, alongside my female lifelines.” Many female students also often form close-knit groups that provide emotional support and help navigate campus life together. “Shared pain brings people closer. Our shared experiences as women in a male dominated campus brings us closer together,” shared a student.

At the end of the day, life as a woman at IITB, whether you’re single, taken, or somewhere in between, is an experience in its own right, something normal society with its closer to normal sex ratio cannot commonly offer you.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter…

All in all, being single or in a relationship at IIT Bombay is just one part of the larger experience of campus life. Relationships bring companionship and support, but they also come with their own set of challenges, just as singlehood comes with its own mix of freedom, FOMO, and unsolicited opinions. The gender ratio, social norms, and expectations shape how people navigate dating here, but there’s no one right way to go about it. Whether you’re happily single, in a long-term relationship, or just figuring things out, what really matters is making choices that feel right for you—without the pressure of what everyone else thinks.

Editorial Credits: Adarsh Prajapati, Anisha Basumatary, Bhakti Patil, Goutam Singh, Jayesh Kamath, Kabir Singh, Pratham Srivastava

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